Today, I just wanted to share some thoughts I had about faith and miracles. It's mostly unedited straight from my letter to my mission president, but it's what I learned this week, so there you go:) We had a discussion in a meeting we talked about faith being both the conviction that some planned event, like a new day's dawn or next summer, will actually occur, as well as the kind of faith that causes things unexpected--like miracles--to happen, and the following are some thoughts I had after that discussion.
I always thought I wanted to be in a front-row seat to watch the miracles unfold, but I realized after the meeting last week that it's not about being in the front-row seat, but it is being the one who is doing the unfolding, the magician who unfurls the flag in fullness. The Lord has prepared His people, and I want to be the one with the faith and worthiness to reach out my hand and let the miracles waiting to happen pour forth upon this land.
Although I have seen many miracles by the tender mercy of my Father in Heaven, I know that there is much more potential here than I've seen thus far. There was an internal struggle I've faced on occasion, wondering where I was still falling short, wondering where the difference was between my efforts and the efforts of those who were seeing tangible success. Although I tried not to compare myself with them, I scoured my soul, racked my brain, searching for what I lacked, what else I needed to give up, what else I needed to change that was keeping me from being the fully functional instrument in the Lord's work I longed to be. There were times that creeping darkness would steal into my mind, maybe it's just because of me, maybe this area is not flourishing because it's me. Maybe someone else's faith would see great success here. I extinguished the thought as quickly as it lit because I realize that that's exactly the kind of thinking that burns our faith to the ground, but one thing I begin to realize is that the Lord knows our capacities, and it's not about what we can or cannot do, but what He will or will not do. And what He will not do it place me in an area at a time when someone else is needed.
I want to tap into His strength more than ever before, to be the one who not only sees miracles, but works them. The one who not only sees success, but causes success. Like most things, that's easier said than done, but every aching joint and every sleepy, exhausted moment, every time I feel four fingers short of collapse is worth the peace that comes from doing what the Lord would have us do. I'm still not very good at distinguishing the Spirit, but I want to be the one the Lord can trust to move when He needs someone to move. I want to truly do my very best each and every moment at a level I have never before achieved. Indeed, at a level I was never before capable of, because I recognize I've come a very, very long way from where I was when I walked into the MTC, scared and excited and determined to give my life away.
Being a missionary is a privilege, and I intend to make the best of every moment.
Picture: Yeah, Morioka's gorgeous, what up!