There are few things that hurts more than giving someone all the love you can hold in your puny little twenty-year old heart, knowing that you have something that will heal them and soothe them and provide a refuge for safety from the storm--and then have them turn around and throw it in your face like a bucket of slimy, wet, painful paint and tell you they want nothing to do with you.
Which is a little bit of a dramatic way to describe a recent experience, but she doesn't know what she's rejecting, which may be the hardest part.
Although I'm not sure that I know what it means to have a broken heart, because every time I've felt like shattered glass on the inside, I've been glued then molded then fused back together, I know that that's what I mean when I say the word 'pain.' But the one thing I vowed to never have was a hardened heart, and scars only harden us and make us less pliable. And that's when I realized that I need Christ, not just for my own sins and not just for my own sorrows, but for the anguish I feel in my soul from the choices of another. I want to live like I've never known sorrow, I want to love like life is sweet, and the only way I can do that is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The only way I can let go of past pains and mistakes and stay as warm and open, as real as I want to be, is in His grace.
I'm still sad because I loved and still love this woman, but I know that I have done all that I can, and I can't force help or divine love or truth upon her, that's a road she must choose for herself. I'm still sad, but I hope that one day, she will give way to the light I know is in her heart because she too is a precious daughter of my God, and I hope that when I see her again after this frail existence that she will look me in the eyes and know that what I tried to express to her was nothing but the purest intents of my heart, was nothing but the love that Lord has blessed me with, and I hope that when that day comes, I will be able to offer her a geniune smile of love and true sisterhood.
I dunno. Just some thoughts I had.
The good news of the week, however, is that my new companion is pretty much an angel. (Sorry for stealing your companion, Sister Y!) New investigators and potential investigators have magically begun popping out of the woodworks, and I know that the work is moving forward.
Looking forward to another killer transfers with this kid:)
And, at transfers. Rode down to Sendai with Sister O, my companion from five transfers ago. She's back in Nagamachi, which is where we were comps???